2010-2018: The Ugly World With a Great Personality
Church of the Placebo Effect “Perpetual Motion Machine” of Religions
There’s a church that claims to give you that positive feeling of inner peace you get from believing in the real thing–without all the cognitive and emotional effort one has to put forth to actually believe it. Not everyone is happy about it, “Desire for the placebo effect is a Catch-22, it’s like guzzling gallons of ocean water. Your system is designed for hope, but you can short it out by harboring a deep, persistent desire for hope’s trappings. Hunger and thirst for the placebo effect does more damage to the soul than drugs and alcohol. A substance abuser’s soul may still thirst for the real thing, by way of a substance-induced shortcut. But once you find yourself on the wrong side of the desire for the real thing/placebo effect trapdoor, it’s all over.”
Hope no longer springing eternal
Prominent scientists have confirmed Pope’s assertion on the nature of hope. Unfortunately, today’s conditions cause the hope seeping out of the ground to immediately escape into the atmosphere as water vapor (like on Mars or Europa). “Hope isn’t some abstract concept like the ether or the celestial spheres. It is something that has to be attached to things. There is no community anymore, no social contract, no fidelity, only products and marketing. The things hope grabs onto fall so quickly that eventually it just gives up.”
Americans wishing surge was still just a crappy tasting soda.
A new psychological study has just proven that you can make anyone believe anything by accompanying your claims with a psychological study
Yultide College Under Threat from the ACLU
First there was Hamburger University, now there’s Youltide College, a school entirely devoted to training young workers for the Christmas season. The school is under fire from the ACLU for taking government money while requiring students and staff to believe (among other things) that a real Santa Clause lives on the North Pole and he (with the assistance of his elves and reindeer) gets millions of presents delivered every Christmas eve. While an institution can have its students believe in anything it pleases, it cannot discriminate against employees while taking government handouts. At least it used to be that way until Bush took over.
Mystery Disease Killing Thousands Yearly
The World Health Organization has just announced that a deadly disease is killing hundreds of thousands of people and hardly anybody acknowledges it exists. It’s depression.
Flies admit being responsible for 64% of the world’s religiosity.
Wheaton Administration to Shut Down Valentines Day Frankfurter Roast
Earlier today we learned that the Wheaton College administration is hot on the trail of a group known as “The Society for Inter-Gender Unity”, a small student-led group famous for posting humor on the forum wall that gets ripped down by liberated Wheaton women within seconds of being put up. This group was planning an all-school Valentines Day hot-dog roast. Unfortunately, while doing laundry in the basement of Crescent, an anonymous female discovered several Webber grills filled with piles books with titles like “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “Passion and Purity”. She immediately tipped off authorities who traced the grills and the literature back to SIGU ringleaders.
Gay Couple Make History on Wheaton’s Traditionally Conservative Campus
Last Thursday, Michael Wrainer and Fredrick Bronson became the first gay couple to officially go up the tower. “We had to bend the truth a little inorder to get the school administration to let this happen”, admitted Wrainer. “I brought my female friend Phoebe along and pretended we were getting engaged”.
Wheaton College, a small Christian liberal arts college located near Chicago, has a century-old tradition known as “going up the tower” where students announce their engagement by ringing the bell of Blanchard tower.
Ohio’s cities to be unseasonably blizzardey this election
Republican SuperPAC’s have a plan to insure that the 47% of people who depend on the government don’t get out to vote. We have just received word from one our reporters who was deep undercover that Republican SuperPAC’s plan to seed the sky over Ohio urban centers with diphylithyum oxate, a catalyst that bonds with the vapor in the upper atmosphere to cause intense blizzards. The cities of Cleveland, Toledo, and Cincinnati, (but not their suburbs) are the specific targets. “This strategy is a one-two punch. People in the cities are more likely to lean Democratic, and the people who lean Democratic are less likely to have trucks and SUV’s that can track in the snow”.
Mattel to announce new G.I. Drone action figures
The toy market is cutthroat and producing anything that makes a profit can be tough. To that end, Mattel has announced drone action figures to complement their toy soldiers. These drones shoot real toy missiles. For a little extra you can also buy toy terrorists and civilians. To quote their PR rep, “Warfare has changed in the last ten years so it’s time our kid’s toys reflect that.”. A G.I. Drone Xbox video game is also in the works. Now you can use a joystick to kill people halfway around the world just like real drone pilots do!
NSA to give lonely hearts the “spook of love”
Charged with coming up with innovative ways to reduce the deficit without sacrificing national security, the public relations arm of the NSA has announced the beta of a new matchmaker website, OKVesuvius, that takes advantage of information fed through the new quantum computer being built in Utah. It turns out the same system used to help people find terrorists is surprisingly good at helping them find love. It will be priced similar to eHarmony but will be simpler to use because all the profile information will already be entered in for you. But already some men are griping about the site because the NSA really knows if you’re exaggerating your income or lying about your relationship status.
John Boehner caught shorting treasury bonds during debt ceiling talk breakdown.
Nobody got fired for choosing IBM but a lot of people got laid off for doing so.
Divine Diebold voting machine malfunctioning
Wheaton Alumni Magazine to Publish Body Issue
In an effort to engage young alumni, Wheaton College has decided to publish an annual body issue featuring shirtless male and bikinied female students and alumni. With leadership of the alumni magazine changing hands the alumni association thought it was time to try something a little closer to the edge. Not everyone is happy with this including one anonymous billionaire who was previously going to leave all his wealth to Wheaton.
Glut of Souls Causing Satan to Make Worse Buyout Offers
Random woman accidently beats the end boss of love
She didn’t know how she did it but on one cold February day with her boyfriend Mark she did it. He was nagging her about getting a furnace filter because the current one was long in the tooth. He had been on her case about this for the past two weeks. This was the catalyst for a heated argument which escalated into her asking the all-important question, “do you love me”, which he answered in the affirmative. Then she asked him whether he believed in love. This was a trap. He said yes, and she replied, “Look at our crappy relationship, I expect something out of love before I’ll believe in it, which means I don’t really believe in it at all.”
Evolution-believing anthropology prof finds himself selected against.
Soul wandering in Sheol wishes error in statement of faith would have been found sooner
Area man has fantastic success with women after deciding to believe in himself.
Joe was a dork, a junior in college and still had never had a girlfriend or even a second date. One night he was on Reddit and a commenter suggested that in order for women to like you, you just had to believe in yourself. Joe took this advice to heart and started believing himself. The results were phenomenal. So many women were calling and texting him that his smartphone battery died in the middle of the day. He had a date every night of the weekend (and some weeknights). He is now engaged to a girl that every dork, geek, and nerd dreams of.
Electronic Arts to release video game Call of Duty, Modern Voting
Fed up with the abysmal turnout of the under thirty demographic, embattled Democrats hope to allow people to vote via video game in the next election. To that end EA has created an exciting experience where people get to interact with virtual versions of the candidates in an open-world simulation. On Election Day voters get to cast their votes in a virtual voting booth. Not everybody is thrilled about this though in a rare moment of compromise Republicans agreed to let people vote via video games if they could also vote via Wheel of Fortune.
Broke Guys Crowdsource “Lower Your Standards” Pre-Valentine’s Day Ad Campaign
Men with a net worth of an extra value meal may not be very influential on their own but get ten million of them to pitch in a dollar for a Kickstarter and they’ll make an impact. This crowdsourced ad campaign will be one of those unskippable ads on YouTube that will feature a self-esteem building campaign starring M.C. Hammer that highlights all the other wonderful characteristics broke guys possess, like thrift, low carbon footprint, and closeness to family (because they often live in their parents’ basement). The ads final aim is to let women know these men have a lot of other good qualities that make up for not making money, especially if you never want to start a family, own a home, or vacation somewhere other than Dumpwater Florida. In other news, this Valentine’s Day McDonalds is partnering with the campaign to let broke guys pay for a dollar menu item on their first date with love.
Punksatony Phil found frozen solid, winter to continue indefinitely
Facebook study: 98% of people’s marriages going AMAZING
A longitudinal study of Facebook posts confirms what romantic comedies and Jane Austen novels have asserted all along. That marital bliss is a thing and it’s being experienced daily in the lives of millions of married couples on Facebook. “I mean, if you look at the pictures of couples some of these people are on their fourth or fifth honeymoon, and this is after being married only two and a half years.” It was also found that adding kids to the mix makes couples even happier (if that could even be possible given their baseline happiness). As one young family said, “We just have such an amazing life and perfect happy kids. Just like all our friends.” Authors of the study acknowledge the sky-high divorce rate and admit that people must be getting divorced, they just don’t know how it’s happening.
Forbes tells users to disable Adblock for a malware-lite experience
In an attempt to shore up bleeding ad revenue the business news magazine Forbes has decided to prevent browsers with ad blockers from accessing their online articles. Almost immediately after doing this their ad network started serving malware. However they have rushed out a fix. They made a deal with malware authors that the author’s ransomware would hold your files hostage for no more than $35. So users concerned about disabling their ad blockers in the name of security can breathe easy.
Scientist who didn’t do any of the work wins Nobel Prize in physics
Quay Brixton just won a Nobel Prize in physics for work in teasing out subsonic information in gravitational waves that will bring us a step closer to understanding the big bang. The thing is, Dr. Brixton didn’t do any of the work. A cadre of graduate students who won’t be named in this article took all the measurements and one of the brightest ones had the eureka moment that brought about this breakthrough in understanding. Dr. Brixton did say he bought his graduate students free Little Ceasers Hot-N-Ready pizza to celebrate his prize winning.
Super pac raising billions with the aim of getting money out of politics
Purple Heart recipient commends Apple for their act of removing the headphone jack from iPhone 7
Captain Jacob Smith was patrolling in Afghanistan when a roadside bomb blew out his Humvee and shattered both his legs. Just after hearing the news that both his legs would have to be amputated above the knee he saw the iPhone 7 keynote speech on a borrowed iPad. When marketing chief Phil Schiller stated that it took courage to remove the headphone jack, Smith was totally with him. I mean doing a patrol in Falluja watching your buddies get vaporized before your eyes takes some courage but to remove a headphone jack from a piece of consumer electronics. Wow! If that risk failed Apple could rake in millions in less profit.
Wandering soul deemed not a good “cultural fit” for heaven
Matthew wasn’t really that bad of a person in his life so he didn’t think he had much to worry about upon meeting St. Peter. After his life review St. Peter said that yes, he didn’t do anything that warranted damnation but he just wasn’t a good “cultural fit” for heaven. It turns out the people in heaven are just as rejecting after they get there as they were before they did. And the coffee is just as bad. Matthew was instead sent to a spot in purgatory which wasn’t as nice but had more accepting people in it.
Chicago area megachurch announces new outreach to millennials
Willow Creek announced today that it is diverting building project funds to help pay its young parishioners student loans. Some people have dismissed the plan as foolhardy, as a bribe but others have said that the church has always helped the poor, it just turns out that now this includes a lot of young and college educated. The plan also includes putting money in commissary accounts of prisoners tangentially related to the church.
Revolutionary battery technology has been five years away for the past 25 years
Hillary Clinton Appointed President
In a move that surprised less people than one would have thought Hillary Rodham Clinton was appointed the 45th president of the United States of America. The media and technocrats realized in this age of less compliant citizenry it was no longer easy to buy elections and program voters. So the election this November 8 has been cancelled. Instead you are going to be treated to a good old fashioned 3rd world coup d’etat. George Soros appeared briefly on “Meet the Press” to tell people to say adéu to their jobs if they involved anything besides food, flowers, or feces.
Same 100 people applying for every job opening
The latest labor department report indicates that that there are millions of unfilled positions, particularly in technology and service occupations. However, as many of you know, every time you apply for a job it seems like there are at least 100 others applying for the same position. You might ask, “where are all those jobs?”. Well it turns out that there are in fact millions of unfilled positions, it’s just that when you apply for one it’s you and the same 100 people applying to every single one. No explanation was given on why, assuming the other 100 people applied to unlimited amounts of vacancies, you never seem to get called back.
Glass supplier to prison cells in comic based features sued for shoddy workmanship
Doomsday clock set back to a more sunny hour
The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists have officially set the doomsday clock to 10:30 in the morning from its previous setting of 11:57 (and 30 seconds) PM. No word on why this change happened though a couple of men in black suits did come to the university where the change took place with rags full of chloroform telling people to keep their mouths shut.
Area man still getting used to no longer having freedom of speech
“It just happened so incredibly fast! I don’t really know what to say in an article like this. Like, if you have no freedom of speech that means you can’t really say anything. Though I do have to admit that Vladimir Putin is a great leader and I think our country needs someone more like that.”
Budweiser to name its signature beer Fascism until further notice
Secret societies losing their grip on planet earth
Recent developments in the world including global instability and trade wars have laid bare the fact that the secret societies that normally make the world function rather smoothly have come on tough times. “I mean it used to be really easy to make things happen, just a couple calls to Washington, one and done”, stated a 9 foot tall Reptilian from the planet Zazzer Vovox as he snatched a fly with his 5 foot tongue. “Washington doesn’t answer to us any more”, Hans Minnix, an Illuminati vice chairman, opined, “Trump brags about being born in America but that’s just because every other president has been an alien born millions of light years away”. The galactic counsel has declared having an earthling for a president has been a colossal failure and they shall never let it happen again.
New 5G cell phone technology promises to let you burn through your data cap ten times faster
